The People's Democratic Republic of Hardenistan

Last night, I posted to my Facebook page a link to the Buffalo Half Marathon, highlighting my excitement about the prospect of finishing a race on the field at Ralph Wilson Stadium, home of my favorite NFL team, the Buffalo Bills. This prompted my friend Tim to state, “I’d one day like to learn the lineage/ theory of your geographically expansive and rather ecletic list of favorite sport teams.” That’s reasonable, given that the professional teams I support are geographically scattered, and none of them are from the area where I spent my youth. So, I thought it only fair to offer explanations. Several of the bits of fondness started with love of a player partnered with a tendency to remain loyal to the clubs I support.

NFL: Buffalo Bills — Football was the first sport in which I formed an affection for a team, and I loved the Dallas Cowboys. Roger Staubach was great, and Danny White was his capable assistant. I saw them as the best players in the history of sport; I mean, at my age, they were the best pairing I had seen. For years, I kept a box of Corn Flakes that featured Danny White’s mug on the front. Above all of them, though, was Tom Landry. Even at my young age, I knew enough to revere Tom Landry, just like pretty much everyone else on the planet revered him — except Jerry Jones, that is. When Jones fired Landry the way he fired Landry, I vowed I would never again cheer for the Cowboys as long as Jones owned the team.

So, I needed a new team. I settled on the working-class folks in Buffalo, who were posting great scores and playing great football. I settled on Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas, of Cornelius Bennett and Darryl Talley … yes, of Scott Norwood. I cheered for them through four Super Bowl losses. I cheered for them through losing season after losing season. I cheer for them now.

NBA: Boston Celtics — Being an Indiana native, it was easy to settle on Boston as my team. Larry Bird was truly, truly great at the time, and so were the Celtics. I learned to hate the Lakers. I learned to hate the Knicks, the Bulls, and the Pistons. I’ve gotten over the hatred of the Pistons.

Unrelated rant: Boston are the four seed in the Eastern Conference in this year’s playoffs, presumably because they won their division. Despite that, they’re the road team in their series against the Atlanta Hawks, who had a better record. If the NBA wants to reward teams for winning their division, that’s great — give them higher seeding and the privileges that accompany it. If the league wants to reward teams for winning more games than their opponents, that’s also great — seed the teams based on their record. Making Boston the fourth-seeded team and then sending them on the road is just stupid.

MLB: Los Angeles Dodgers — I almost ended up a fan of the New York Yankees for the same reason that I ended up a Celtics fan. Don Mattingly is an Evansville, Indiana, product. Despite my living in Alabama, I definitely had — and still have — a lot of love for the state of my birth. Nonetheless, the Yankees are the Yankees, and I managed to avoid falling in love with the Evil Empire. Who couldn’t love Tommy Lasorda, though? He was colorful and fun, and I settled on them as my team. When Orel Hershiser came into prominence, I knew I had made the right choice. He looked like a bookworm, so I could identify with him, as I was very much that. He was also a good pitcher, which left me with hope that I, too, might end up being vaguely athletic.

One out of two isn’t bad, right?

NHL: Buffalo Sabres — We didn’t really have hockey in the South when I started watching hockey. Well, Florida and Tampa Bay had been around for a couple of years, but there wasn’t a lot of history there. So, I watched hockey … lots of hockey. I found Pat LaFontaine. You could make an argument that LaFontaine was the best US-born offensive player in the NHL at the time. He was great, and it’s a shame that his career ended prematurely … but I digress. The Sabres also had the spiffy logos with the buffalo and the crossed sabres. I’m thrilled that they’re back into those uniforms after a long period of clothing atrocities.

Eredivisie (Netherlands): AFC Ajax — My dad was working temporarily in Holland when Ajax won the 1995 UEFA Champions League. He came home with Ajax swag for me (a cap), and a bond was formed. That bond influenced my decision in England, too.

Premier League (England): Arsenal FC — The Ajax side eventually broke up, with wealthier teams buying many of the players. It seemed that Arsenal picked up the best Dutch players. My love of Dutch football followed them across the channel to England, and I adopted Arsenal as my side in England — even if Dennis Bergkamp wouldn’t just man up and fly to European matches.

MLS: DC United — When MLS set up shop, I felt compelled to adopt a team. United made it very easy; they were the only side who weren’t running around calling themselves the “[insert city] [insert mascot]s.” I appreciated the nod to European style, and that was enough for me. A personalized United shirt hangs in my closet now.

That’s how I picked my teams. Now you know the story.